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WHEN FIRST DIAGNOSED: UNDERSTANDING AND COMMUNICATING ABOUT
HIV-TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THE DIAGNOSIS: YOU NEED NOT TELL EVERYONE AND ALTERNATIVES TO OUTRIGHT TELLING
Once a nurse said that Helen ought to tell her sons about her diagnosis, and Helen got so angry she asked the nurse to leave. Whether she told her sons, she thought, was her decision alone. Helen was right: you are the best judge of who to tell and who not to tell. Your diagnosis is not everyone’s business. In fact, you might find it refreshing to have a group of people?say,
co-workers?who treat you as though you were completely healthy. Alan looks healthy and strong, and people tell him he looks good. When his partner asked if this bothered him, Alan replied, “Not at all. I love it.”
Alternatives to Outright Telling-People also decide to avoid the problem of who to tell and who not to, and find ways around making the decision. Some people do not tell, but instead let their friends and families ask. These people leave clues?they may talk about friends who have AIDS, leave pamphlets and books on AIDS where others can find them, buy grave plots and talk about funerals, say someone at work told them a story about a person with AIDS, and talk about TV programs on AIDS and recommend their families watch them. The families and friends sense the truth. Then, if they can handle the information, they will ask; if they can’t, they won’t.
Some people do trial runs of telling, testing for rejection before telling. One woman was so afraid her children would reject her that she thought she could not tell them without breaking down. So she rehearsed by telling a cousin whose rejection she feared less, and when she finally told her children, she could keep the composure she wanted. Some people, like those who let their friends and families ask, leave clues. Then, they judge by reactions to the clues whether telling will be safe or will result in rejection.
Other people find alternatives to the outright facts. If they become sick, they say they have pneumonia or a lung disease, herpes, leukemia, ulcers, meningitis, or hepatitis, or a cancer, or an infection of the nervous system. They choose whatever disease is most appropriate to their
symptoms. Helen said, “I read in a medical book about a blood disease that can be either acute or fatal. As long as I’m alive, I’ll say it’s acute.”
*21/191/2*

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