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SPINAL CORD INJURY: SELF-IDENTIFICATION IN PROGRESS OF RECOVERY
A week before discharge, Vanessa’s anxiety spurred her into action. She asked her best friend to visit for an “image consultation,” and together they planned Vanessa’s makeover. She had her hair styled and her nails done in the hospital beauty parlor. She agonized with her physical therapist about color choices for her crutches, eventually choosing teal blue. She gave her friend a shopping list: brand-name athletic shoes, stretch jeans, a long skirt and some V-neck tops. She was ready to ditch the baggy sweats that had been her hospital uniform.
That night, after showering, Vanessa stood naked before the bathroom mirror – the first time she’d really looked at herself since the injury. She was surprised to see that despite the changes in her mobility and sensation, her figure was barely changed and still attractive. The physical therapy and crutch-walking had made her upper arms more muscular, and she approved of their sculpted appearance. Her legs were thinner than before, not as toned, but the changes were subtle. She considered the crutches held against her naked skin. They didn’t look too bad – as long as she was standing still. Though overall she felt more confident, Vanessa still worried how her altered mobility would affect her life outside the hospital.
Vanessa returned to her apartment just before Thanksgiving. Her sister surprised her with a welcome-home party attended by good friends and family members. Vanessa spent Thanksgiving weekend at her parents’ home surrounded by relatives. Everyone expressed delight at her progress and encouraged her to “keep working on it.” During the holiday season, she busied herself with shopping and seeing girlfriends. She went to physical therapy several times a week, working to increase her strength and improve her gait. She returned to the health club where she’d worked out before the injury, this time with a personal trainer to help her strengthen and tone her body. She registered for classes at the community college, to begin in February, and she started looking for a part-time job.
Eventually, Vanessa started going out with groups of friends, and before she knew it, she had a date. She was very excited, but also nervous about how to present her disability. In group settings she had already “passed” as able-bodied by telling people that she’d hurt her leg in an accident, implying that she’d be better soon. At other times she’d answered questions about her injury by telling the whole story from the boat trip to the ER to the details of her treatment. To her disappointment, this seemed to overwhelm and alienate people rather than create the intimacy she’d hoped for.
When the question did, inevitably, come up, Vanessa told her date what she’d been rehearsing – that she’d hurt her back in a boating accident and had some neurological damage that made it hard to walk. She thought this was an honest answer, but not overly detailed or personal. And it allowed her to be matter of fact about the disability rather than making it the central focus. Suddenly Vanessa felt weary of constantly thinking about physical therapy and her weakened legs. She wanted to focus on her strengths again – her humor, independence, and outgoing nature. The date became a symbolic turning point: she decided to be herself, not a “para,” first. She surprised herself with her ability to kid around, laugh, and talk about her interests and ideas. She had a wonderful time.
As your recovery progresses, you are likely to experience a variety of self-identifications, self-presentations, and self-labels. As people, disabled or not, mature and enter new stages of personal or professional development, they shed some aspects of their identity and take on others. Your “adjustment” to disability is an ongoing process that begins in the hospital and continues as new relationships, environments, and activities pose challenges to your physical and emotional coping skills. Self-acceptance depends not only on making peace with the physical limitations of having a spinal cord injury, but also on developing and expressing your intellect, emotions, creativity, and personality. By maintaining or redefining your unique sense of meaning and purpose, you will be better able to live successfully and keep your disability in perspective.
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