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WIDOWHOOD AND BEREAVEMENT: HOW LONG SHOULD THESE TASKS TAKE?
Though the most intense grieving occurs during the first year, according to Worden accomplishing these tasks often takes as long as two years. Other studies suggest that, particularly for widows, three years may not be too long.
Putting a timetable on bereavement is difficult. How can we fix a date for finishing mourning when many people say they never completely get over their spouses’ deaths? So use these tasks as general guidelines, keeping Worden’s words in mind: ”Asking when mourning is finished is a little like asking how high is up.”
Another problem with using these benchmarks is that they wrongly imply that grieving gets less intense in a linear way – that as time passes people just feel better and better. Actually, the intensity of a person’s feelings and the ability to cope normally fluctuate. For instance, some people may have what is called “a six-month reaction.” After they have handled things remarkably well during the first few months, raw grief suddenly wells up. At the beginning the widowed person is in a daze, with life taken over by relatives and friends. When the invitations slack off, the reality of the loss hits.
A minor event may set off intense grief. A widow may completely break down when she struggles to put up the storm windows the first October after her husband has died. A widower may suddenly feel bereft when he has to do the Christmas shopping alone.
When researchers at the University of Utah charted widows’ and widowers’ feelings at regular times during the first two years of bereavement, they discovered just how great an oversimplification it is to expect people to feel better and better as the months pass. The words “better” and “worse” do not capture the complex, chaotic, often conflicting feelings that wash over people as they struggle to come to terms with their loss. A good example was in the tumultuous first months. At that time scores on tests of both depression and self-esteem were very high. In other words, rather than just feeling “awful” at the beginning, people felt a mixture of emotions, both very upset and also very proud about the way they were handling things. And while it was true that over time these intense feelings subsided and people did gradually make a new life, even as the two-year point approached they sometimes had flashbacks of feelings characteristic of the first shocking days and weeks – disbelief, avoidance of the truth.
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