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STRESS AND MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN: EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIAGE PARTNERS
Let us look at what each person takes into a marriage. A man takes into a marriage all his expectations about his wife, how she will behave towards him, the things that might disappoint her, the things he will have to do or not do, to express his love for her. He has derived this expectation of his wife’s behaviour and from the behaviour of his mother towards him. Likewise, a woman carries with her, expectations of how a man should act, what she might rightfully anticipate of how men behave in love relationships; she has derived most of these expectations from the experience of being loved by her father.
Both of them will have learned how to behave towards each other in a relationship by observing the way their respective parents related to each other.
We know that the unconscious mind does not differentiate between images of the father, the husband, and the eldest son. They all seem to be filed away in a big box, in the unconscious mind, labeled ’significant male’. Likewise the husband’s unconscious mind lumps together his mother, his wife, and perhaps his eldest daughter, in one box labeled ’significant female’.
For this reason, many couples find themselves accusing each other of things that each of them in fact doesn’t do. ‘You’re always complaining!’ accuses the husband (whose mother was always complaining). ‘When have I complained?’ answers his wife. ‘I can’t remember just now, but I know you’re always doing it!’ he answers. Really, it was his mother who was always complaining, and his unconscious mind has identified his wife with his mother.
Distortions such as these are commonplace, the cause of a great deal of mystifying confusion during discussions between spouses about their problems in relating to each other. Sometimes they become aware that they have been accusing each other of behaviour which is in reality the behaviour of a parent, and which this son or daughter didn’t like. Now the husband or wife behaves in a way that perhaps resembles slightly the unacceptable behaviour of that parent, and the result is that this person is accused of the behaviour which is in fact the behaviour of the parent, long ago.
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